I finally got laid.. you said it wouldn't happen.
Im sure that doesnt mean its ruined... It was your bithday you get a free "im drunk at 7 am" card
If I die on my trip, you're my chosen person. Nightstand-vibrators. Computer-iphoto naked pictures. I hope you feel honored.
So I'm looking through your google history on your laptop and you have 'is ketchup even remotely nutritious' and 'alcohol with fewest calories but highest alcohol'. What new fad diet are you on because I feel like we could do this together.
After I saw you grinding on that guy with your shirt completely unbuttoned, I figured it was time for pizza.
He said female orgasms are a myth and refuses to even try to give me one.
Also, just had a student offer to sell me Xanax. Want some? Just for like a rainy day. Or our memorial day shitshow. Or just another Wednesday night.
There's a very drunk Asian strawberry shortcake crying on the curb next to my truck. I'm not really sure what standard protocol is for this situation.
which one of you assholes put my new jeans down the garbage disposal?!
Can you bring me a corn dog or something shaped like one?
I'm gonna take a crap in the portashitter like a civilized human being.
I realize my mistake but don't you dare school me in cock, young man
It was a fun night. I made out with the door guy at the gay bar but he didn't speak english
There was no door guy at the bar
He just kept pissing on the couch as we were yelling at him while he repeatedly told us "its going to be okay".
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
Randomize
