I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
What are you doing?
High. Watching Billy Mays infomercials...
That guy could sell me cancer.
note to self..putting cheap vodka in a bottle of grey goose does not make it taste better
I just chased the everclear with Listerine...I think I found my new chaser!
This is the guy who showed up to the first day of class with a 24 pack of coke and a handle of rum in his backpack. He doesnt play by normal people rules.
she named my penis "gigantor the baby arm"
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
My bruised ribs were so worth that win in beer pong
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
You shouted "FUCK SHANIA TWAIN" and then downed an Aquafina bottle of white wine none of us knew how to react
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
Just saw the mall santa roll by on a rascal scooter holding a chic-fil-a milkshake and stop to chat up trio of cute 20-somethings. New hero.
last night you told me I had a dark, salty butthole
all of these bad things happened because I didn't bring a shower beer.
Dude, putting on underwear straight out of the dryer is the greatest thing ever. It feels like I wrapped my vagina in a warm blanket.