it's like i warped into dreamland and the only thing that makes sense is my solo cup
My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
she added me on facebook and her celebrity doppelganger is rosie odonnel. FUCK
Also I hooked up with a trainer at my gym. Between her, the married chick, and the bartender, my life is becoming a bad porn plot.
when it says do not use on the face or genital areas, it MEANS do not use on the face or genital areas.
i just had a pap smear and two shots. lets hit the beach.
guy in front of me at the pharmacy just asked the pharmacist for 2 Plan B's and replied with, "If your wondering, then yes I did have a threesome. It was amazing".
We got baked and watched the cheetah girls on Netflix
You need to not admit that.
The guy who just got ate on True Blood had the same balls as you.
I must be the strongest person who ever managed to get knocked down by a pug.
Hey I didn't mean to be all lemme get with your ex husband.
When she introduced her friend to me I shook his hand and told him not to leave his ugly vest at my apartment in the morning. He took it off and bought me a shot.
I dunno, there's just something so\ncomforting about having his penis in my mouth.
THEN YOU WILL NOT GET TO SEE MY TITS TONIGHT OR IN THE NEAR FUTURE YOU HEARTLESS BASTARD
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?