the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
splinters make it hard to masturbate
I only have two new blunt burns this year as opposed to freshman year's 6. This is growing up.
Turns out getting tied up to two door handles and forced to repeatedly cum is actually a really good ab workout.
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Can you explain to me later why there's a pirate hat in my bathtub
And I was slip and sliding my life away on a giant tarp with tons of soap and bitches. Priorities man, priorities.
And in my birthday dress, with my friends, i peed on myself in line for the club. Still went in and partied. I remember pieces
Underwear, t-shirt, bottle of Pinot Grigio and Golden Girls. I've hit a new level of homosexual.
You never know, some chick could have a weird unibrow fetish.
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he stopped during sex, told me i smelled like McDonald's and went harder..
Whoever put the picture of my dad in the condom box is an asshole
I went commando last night, then accidentally flashed a police van...They acknowledged it.
My dick was almost in plain McDonald's sight
Apparently mr clean magic erasers don't clean blood off the ceiling
Then we woke up and they shouted "Emergency Vodka!!" and that's how we got redrunk.