pray for me tomorrow cause I have a midterm that I've mostly studied for by watching Bill Nye episodes on the subject...
May God have mercy on my new vibrator.
He texted me saying that his mom found my nuva ring in their jacuzzi filter. I don't think I'm welcome back anytime soon.
I've woke up in his bed 4 out of the past 6 mornings. I feel like this might be the time to learn more about him then his first name and what kind of beer he drinks.
There's two sisters at this place and they look competitive. Try for a threesome tonight?
I almost itched my nose with the lit end of a cigarette. Help.
We had to go to his parents last night for dinner & ended up having a quickie in the bathroom while everyone else was outside smoking.. This is why we have a successful marriage.
we were the definition of too high: argued for 10 minutes about who was gonna get the condom (it was 2 feet away on the night stand) and past out watching adventure time.
So I got my junk pierced since we've fucked. You should get in on this.
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
It's amazing where one well timed dick pic can get you in life.
My morning started with my mom giving me the number for a substance abuse councellor. How's your day going?
I have a sixth sense for large penises and lack of morals
I think I just got booty called by someone I've never slept with or even really had a conversation with before.
I thought i was doing pretty well but I walked into my first class and everyone on my side of the room immediately asked how drunk and high I was
Randomize
