I wish we could tell the moving van to wait at the strip club for a while.
wanna play who's drunker? I just made macaroni & cheese taco and offered it to the pizza Guy as a tip.
Next time I see you, remind me to tell you how I fell through my attic door and landed on my feet in the garage on the first floor.
One thing noone tells you about getting put in the drunk tank is do it barefoot. You get free flipflops.
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
You need to stop me from lighting my hand on fire next time we're working
Drunk enough that you donated $50 to taco bell, because they serve a great purpose.
Dude true life I died at the derby...I lost everyone I knew, went down a bourbon and mud slip and slide, lost my hat, fell off the roof of a porta potty, sprained my ankle and knee and then got arrested.
mom is telling me the setting in which I was conceived
did you know we used to have a pool?
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
Mom just walked in with a bag of weed and funyuns. I'll talk to you later.
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
we were having a conversation about big dicks and the chick at the table beside us turned to us said "me and my boyfriend just broke up a few days ago. Could you please NOT talk about big dicks"
Seriously, you just banged the guy that wishes his dog happy birthday on fb. That's fucking adorable!
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