Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
i definitely just woke up with half of a cigarette tucked underneath my balls. Last night must have been interesting
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
Dude. Apparently I just smoked some stuff that's used for Nigerian spirit quests.
just cheers'ed a flock of cattle as i drove past eating a burger i bought 7 hours ago. that high.
Dude, she brought over peach cobbler, weed and alcohol plus I'm gonna get laid. She's by far the coolest sister you have.
Well on a lighter note, I had sex in a food truck.
Just accidentally flashed my junk to the lady helping me try on suits, it was cold in there, I don't think she was impressed.
Dude, you kicked in the door to get to a six-person orgy while yelling "I JUST WANT TO LEARN!!"
"I wonder if vinegar is some sort of magical hangover cure" "...no I was definitely still drunk and drinking vinegar because I was thirsty"
You would think by the size of the lump on my ass that I would have remembered falling down a flight of stairs.
So this is how i'm celebrating Easter? By eating chicken nuggets and masturbating all day. What a life.
When do you estimate your next shower will be? Several people have asked.
I’ve gone two rounds already this morning and I’m ready for a third. The moon is in the house of sluticus hornius.
Im not as flexible as I once was, but I still managed to get eaten out in the front seat of a hummer behind keddies.
Randomize
