I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
Are you still at the party or did I leave?
just caught a 10 year old kid staring at my dick next to me in the urinal. i just nodded to him and said yeah, mines bigger little dude. i gotta stop drinking in public....
Parents weekend was a success.
Yeah, I guess so if you consider being arrested and having your parents bail you out a success...
Bail could have come out of your pocket so yes, I think we were financially responsible this weekend.
She was covered in mud grabbed my crotch and said see that handprint that means I called dibs
If 26 stitches didn't sober her up, nothing will.
does the cute hipster in the kitchen belong to you?
if not i want to bang those glasses off his face
My little brother found me on Instagram. If I'm not already the shame of my family, I'm about to be.
When you are 21 it's acceptable to run out of the tavern and puke all over the bike rack... when you are 35 it's called alcoholism.
I just won 200$ from Bar Karaoke, for singing the "Sailor Moon" theme song, and then the Pokemon theme song, also known as the motherfucking ANTHEM OF POKEMON MASTERS LIKE ME. I HAD TO REPRESENT.
You know you turned your life around when your drunk eating salad at 3 am on a Friday night
What do you mean? Just eat his food and have sex with him. Unless you want a relationship, then just eat his food.
i woke up on someones kitchen floor, and i used the gps in my phone to find my way home. im really glad you forgot about me.
He held my hair while I gave him a blow job. Now that's teamwork.
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
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