the star wars geek is hitting on me, and is talking about his lightsaber. need back up NOW
my mom just found my bong and asked what it was. I told her it was a hookah
and she bought it?!?
yeah...but her friends at work told her hookah was fun and now she wants to smoke it with me...im thinkin yes
Well regardless of where or with who you will be blacking out and i will be pouring shots down ur throat like a baby bird
woke up laying on an empty pizza box and some guy was doing blow off my butt...i guess i should thank you.
thank you for reminding me that I stumbled into a public place drunk at 9am wearing a chicks pants.
After he came all he could say was how great the lighting fixtures where in my apartment.
on the subway to an interview & there's a dude doing whippits out of a cheese wil can
Dude he's the best wing man ever. He starts creepin' on a woman, and she clings on to you out of fear.
I am literally the only girl who can black out and wake up pantsless and STILL be 99% sure I didn't get any.
Look, I'm just saying... paying ur respects to the neighbors who had a death in the family with food u steal from the neighbors having the cookout may result in a negative karma situation.
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
It's really not cool dreaming about going into labor with your ex boyfriends love child as you're sleeping next to him.
We need to make tonight low-budget
Is this your way of suggesting flasks?
this isn't the first time i woke up with peanut butter in my butt
If I stopped drinking I'd have to take up murdering.
Randomize
