His mom made me a necklace that i am supposed to wear to prom. She included a note with it, which had a star trek quote. What have I gotten myself into?
Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
Maybe someone other than the mad hatter should have gone with him to the ER
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
It smelled like mall pretzels. Of course I investigated.
And we should impose a 'friends don't let friends order 25 shots at last call' rule
They're tearing apart the house I lost my virginity in:(
She told me she was eating frosting, then I got the weirdest boner ever
He purred while eating me out. HE PURRED AND I LIKED IT.
She needs to go. She is like the Yoko Ono of our group.
I don't think that calm, have their shit together people actually exist.
You kept trying to make cocktails with my protein powder last night...
I was telling my friend about your penis and the only word I could think of was voluptuous. You have a voluptuous dick.
sober me is the one who makes bad decisions every boyfriend I've ever had I met sober
he's smothering me... and not in the good, can you move your thigh off my face please?.. way
Randomize
