i'm listening to "transmissions" by The Tea Party from like '97 and waxing my legs. fuck i'm awesome in my alone time
He ate me out. It was like watching him trying to win a pie eating contest
And people are going to start dressing like that in public, it's just ridiculous, the goths and now the GAGAs
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
Apparently she came home completely covered in mud, pretending to be a bird...and she still had more sex than any of us this weekend.
I've reached too hung over to move status will you bring me something to drink?
I moved out 2 weeks ago remember?
Can you ship it to me then?
I think I died last night. I had 14 beers..well 13 1/2 if you count the one that got spilled on the baby in the elevator.
I also know you puked in your shoe.
That would explain the note .... I apparently wrote myself an apology note from drunk to sober me .... saying "sorry for the fancy shoe soup" .... ugh I'll never drink again ...
I have a story for you. It involves waffles and getting naked with the local weatherman.
let’s face it, me joining a co-ed soccer league is like, 33% motivated by my crotch seeking a healthy outlet
I'm a girl who met my last three bfs in gay clubs. Think I'm doing something wrong?
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
Girl. There is no more toilet paper. You should have seen the twerking I just did to shake the pee off.
he was the first penis i touched… i have to go to his shitty bands first gig, i mean come on now
Randomize
