I am too pretty for them to be this angry at me.
Googled "can you put dry ice in your drink?" I'm safee
It's tuesday, which means cocktails followed by cocktales.
Pregaming before going to drink with a girl from Russia. Please make sure I'm not dead in the morning.
Nothing motivates a person to clean their apartment like puking up cheese ravioli beer-tequila chicken wings for eight hours.
I don't know how I'm going to know it's her, I only know what she looks like with a wig on
SHE COULD ALREADY BE HERE AND I WOULDN'T EVEN KNOW
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
I feel like I don't show you my boobs enough. And you deserve to see them like all the time
I told him I was ready for another round and he said, "after this part." What guy chooses James Bond over pussy?!
I mean, I already saw his dick in person and wasn't impressed so why is he sending me a picture of it, anyway? I hate re-runs!
So I'm at home coloring while smoking a joint. It can only go down hill from here.
Little girl was fucking around on the train and completely ran her head into a pole. Totally burst out laughing as she cried. Her mom was not amused. I don't think I should be a Mom. EVER.
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
let me assure you that a rugburn on your forehead is the worst side effect of tequila i have experienced to date.
They got skeletons in the booths to enforce social distancing.
Thought they were weekend at berniesing that shit at first.
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