I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
This cougar at my work just said "big breasts" referring to poultry... Still resulted in a boner.
A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Before I dignify that with an answer, let me get this straight. You're asking me if I wiped my ass on the towels?
You're like my zumba instructor for alcoholism right now
I just got my beard fondled by a drunk chick outside the venue. I feel slightly violated. And I think her boyfriend wanted to fight me.
I've really become a household name at this fraternity. Mother would be so proud.
I woke up this morning cradling my vibrator like it was a baby
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He found out about your side hoe and still helped you try to find a lizard that got in the house
You're the air beneath my wings and the lookout when I pee
You'd be proud...I've an early morning wake up booty call...he should be here around 6am ish...I told him to wake me nicely.
I just spent 30 minutes plucking my 2 month grown out pubes with tweezers so I’m hope your night is going better than mine
You fell while talking to a cop, then proceeded to acuse him of tripping you... he was arresting you for public intox.
Made out with sailor moon tonight. Childhood dreams do come true.
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