how come everytime i call mom shes doing tequila shots
I just don't get it. Video games don't suck his dick.
Your dad's facebook is ejaculating midlife crisis all over my minifeed
at one point he couldn't find his underwear so he put on my catsuit to go to the bathroom
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
He spent $1100 at a strip club. If I had that kind of disposable income, I'd make a cocaine sandcastle.
so I found out I could dislocate my shoulders on demand while I was trippin on e last night...
Apparently I'm a "fire hazard"
I heard from the downstairs bathroom "WHY CAN'T I WIPE MY ASS IN PEACE!" and a pisscrate of glass bottles breaking
I have the overwhelming need to take care of him. Both with my vagina and like emotionally.
My parents get here at 6 so I have to make it look like a sober virgin lives in my room by 5.
He told me he was my brother roommate in college after we fucked, but already knew that so I had pretend I didn't know that.. like how I pretended I finished. 2/10
When we got into his bed, his damn parrot started making sex noises in the other room
As I walked across the lawn after the party got busted, an officer told me to chug my beer before I left the premises.
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
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