No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
don't read that magazine bro. I came in it
i cant wait for all this BS that is happening with Tiger to happen to Tebow
He made me leave when I challenged "all you bitches" to a game of strip taboo.
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
Maybe you should start carrying pepper spray. You are like the Justin Bieber of lesbians.
The perfect world is just rainbows and rocknroll and good sex. With the occasional stripper ridIng a horse. I spelled occasionally right?
But mostly fuck him senseless. Render him speechless. Have him look at my vagina and wonder, "WHAT SORCERY IS THIS?!"
I'm in the freezer. Shit took away any trace of hangover outa my body.
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
I thanked him for the booty call offer but told him I'd rather just do it myself
If TJ is short for Trader Joe, I'm gonna fuck him
I found a tomato seed inside my jeans. I did not eat tomatoes
Randomize
