Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
just heard a tri-delta girl talking about her drunken escapades last weekend...it's like the exact plotline to a hardcore porno.
you were stumbling around in your attic looking for all your swim team medals because you wanted to "feel like a champion."
Apparently as I was doing the walk of shame home my dad's date was on her way to hers. hoes come in all ages these days
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
If I got paid for every bad decision I've made I would be one rich bitch by now
Being on probation is a nice change of pace. It's refreshing to wake up and know what I did last night.
I'm gonna give the church their tithe, and the rest is a down payment on boobs.
Please don't finger me like a jackhammer. I'm a woman not a construction site.
I'm sorry that you wanted to get laid and I all I did was play with your new cat instead.
before i could order beers she was on stage 69ing with a stripper
Bug bite on my vagina. I think we need to stop this 'sex in awesome places campaign.'
Yeah. I got a Tetnus shot then partied like it was 1999.
Randomize
