I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
Tall, dark & handsome can suck my short, pale & awkward dick.
We had sex in the woods. It was great until some bird started mimicking my orgasm sounds
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
Worst night here by far. And ive slipped in my own piss so thats saying something
don't ever tell me how terrible your next walk of shame is until you run into your little brother on his way to class.
oh my god i'm in a crawl space
Yea you just drank all the Hookah water, then started talking gibberish about the Kool Aid you just drank.
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
He professed his love for me while I danced on a picnic table with a bottle of Absolut. I said thank you and walked away.
You need to be full form and virile tomorrow so I can live vicariously through your rub and tug.
He congratulated me by offering up free orgasms.. I told him I also had a birthday last month we needed to celebrate.. He was there in ten minutes.
I told him I was on my period but he says "I'm a doctor, you think I can't handle blood?" And just went for it. Jackpot
He brought me another shot of rum, ice and my underwear when I woke up.
What a gentleman.
I KNOW, right?!
just spent the last 20 minutes cleaning out the soap dispenser. fuck. me. adderall.
Randomize
