so he came on my face and then proceeded to say "that was just how i imagined it would happen"
where do you find these guys?
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
I am scared. I picture you doing a keg stand on a sinking ship with hula girls cheering you on. Please text me when you get back to shore...or now would be good
if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
i was driving around baked, windows down jamming to third eye blind and eating grapes for 35 minutes before i remembered why i left my house
Other than a hickey from some random Canadian roller derby girl, I came out unscathed
I peed in a 7/11 last night. Like literally pretended I pretended I was shopping, looked around, and peed on boxes in the corner. No more tequila
Is adulthood just morning sex and then walking through the grocery store 20 min later looking for something to take to work for lunch?
...and then running into your dad at said grocery store...
He barged in the room with no shirt on, all fucking ripped with a half keg under one arm. Sara now calls him Bronan the Beerbarian
I'm just gonna clean the house so my Mom won't think I'm hung over. I'll just start with the toilet
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
The walk home lasted longer than the sex. He lives in the flat above the bar.
I call him Seabiscuit because he's my trusty steed
We should probably feel disgusted that we took turns eating and drunkenly passing around a burrito the size of a small dog but i’m ok with it.
welp,tonight ive reached new levels. by new levels I mean,i showed some guys my boobs for water. on your tab.. the most pointless thing ive ever done. either we should hang out way more,or never again.
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