So I thought I was slick leaving his room this morning all incognito. Little did I know I was wearing his football jersey with his name across the back... stilettos & my bra was left behind. never seeing that again
jusi got death stares at taco bell because I asked if Denise was working.
I was mid-pee and he walked in, claimed he was looking for his phone, and then asked if we could hook up since we were finally alone.
so yall hooked up?
Throwing up while listening to pandora radio. Don't tell me my life doesn't have theme music.
Going to bed. I have to wake up early and teach small children. And then have affairs with their fathers. I'm going to get deported.
it's a gatorade, cheez its, and regret kind of morning....
The bosnian sent me a sext with his dick next to a comcast remote. It went up to the "stop" button. Ironic and appropriate. Grab your remote and imagine it.
You've ruined television for me.
its like the body should be a temple but we treat it like a kmart
Every single item that was in my fridge is now in my hot tub. Please help
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
There is maybe 10 hours out of any given day we aren't sober.
I shaved my entire vagina for a man who had the personality of a potato and a C- orgasm. Life is a series of disappointments.
I literally JUST MADE IT to the liquor store. I bought a box of wine with the lights off
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
I have only made 3 good decisions in my life and getting really stoned reenacting the Lion King with my cat in a lion mane hat is 2 of them.
Randomize
