Microwaved placenta is very unpleasant.
and my herpes radar will keep us safe
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
idk if you're aware of this...but we could potentially have the greatest hate sex...ever.
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
you took a potato out of your pocket and just started eating it raw. don't know where the potato came from though
21st birthday = success
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
Actually, I take that back. You can only have it if I'm allowed to French braid the mullet.
we were making out in my truck and while she was straddling me she informs me that she jerks off horses for a living. Should I be concerned or flattered?
You were petting a 40 year old man's moustache for 15 minutes
I look at it as community service. He was going through a rough time and I gave him an ego boost. That's how we're going to remember it. I was doing a good deed lol
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