When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
We decided that the paper cups disintegrating was god's way of telling us we had had enough
We thought she was passed out on the toilet, but she raised her head to tell me the word I couldn't remember was "empathize." Then she puked blood and passed out.
I'm pretty sure this city writes new vice laws specifically because of us.
No. I'm too high for this. I gotta focus my mind for my future Hooter's interview
There was a tour on campus today, and there were two girls i went to high school with in the group. They saw me and ran up to me as i was unlocking my door. when i opened it, kate was laying in a pile of glitter and beer cans. We need to reevaluate.
Got back to find Sarah in her underwear eating peanut butter and watching Arrested Development with the thermostat at eighty.
I can't believe you guys got into a sword fight over a chicken nugget
Oh, so that's where all the scratches came from...
We're gonna have to check the security cameras after last night
I have standards. Maybe not when it comes to men.. but definitely when it comes to sex
I'm trying to secure Christmas dick. Idgaf if he has strep or not.
I love you more than sex with randoms.... and we all know how much I love that shit.
"WHAT IS THIS LESBIAN MADNESS"
I apparently lifted the young child over my head yelling "Victory!" after that last game of pool, right before doing some Girls Just Wanna Have Fun karaoke.
I would but he’s not speaking to me because I put ketchup in his socks.
Randomize
