Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
It felt like his penis had an endoskeleton.
are you going to last longer than 15 seconds
nope
i cleaned the weed out of my bowl, pretended it was a spoon and ate oatmeal with it. my mom cried
He asked if I wanted a dutch rudder. 1.) Who says that? 2.) How exactly does one do that with a girl?
I feel like a fucked a broomstick last night. You get a gold star.
I got kicked out of the bar but no one cared, I dont have any money so i stayed outside with the bouncer for an hour and he got so sick of me he let me back in on the condition that i cant leave my seat. VISIT ME
I know that we've never been that tight but I want you to meet my cat before I move.
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
And no one can masturbate with the sound of Bernie's voice in the background
i found 4 slices of pizza in my toaster, and a can of unopened soup in my blender.. wtf?
My mom just asked if I wanted a mimosa when I got out of the bath.
I think everything's gonna be okay.
I wonder how vigorously I can jack off in a one person tent without being noticed???
Painted a stripper an elf costume. Her coworkers liked it. Now in a room full of naked strippers.
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
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