Was i wearing a white blazer when you superpoke danced me??
By getting ready I mean putting baby powder in my hair and possibly changing my pajamas to another pair of pajamas
Eric and I got kicked off of karaoke last night. Apparently, singing about masturbation to the tune of "A Whole New World" is not appropriate and definitely frowned upon by the DJ.
Hey for future reference vodka can not be substituted for water when shaving your legs
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Thats why you have fulfilling relationships with nice girls and i have kinky sex with crazies
My knee is bleeding. This cheeseburger is the 3rd thing I made out with today and I think I got a job with the ducks. Catalina is poppin
Tell your friends I said hi and that if they touch your penis I'll cut off their hands.
Nothing like the It's a Small World ride at Disneyland to remind you to take your birth control. I took it on the boat yesterday
Flacco has been sacked like 7 times. His name also auto corrects to Flaccid. That's so sad
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I didn't know what to do so I panicked and puked in my pillowcase with my pillow still inside.
Should I be concerned that the new guy I'm seeing just referred to my stealing a sailboat in college while drunk as "wholesome"?
The hat, the beard, the hard posing - like who does he think he is?
A bag of dicks
That's dating life
I want to buy weed from this guy on Tinder but I'm not sure I should trust him...but it's free delivery
You have ten minutes starting with this message to get here. Or I'm putting my clothes back on.
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
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