life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
The dutch village is so much worse hungover. Fuck them and their wooden shoes.
Its really not funny anymore. I need to stop shaving while i'm drunk
Just tried to use the bottle of Sprite in my car as mouthwash to get the taste of puke out of my mouth- it's half vodka. Puked again. Thanks man.
I'm going to make him fall in love with me one blow job at a time.
I was fingering her, she was moaning, and we were singing Mulan
Vodka @ 9pm. Library. Nothing can go wrong, I promise.
So update from last night: I made friends with a coke dealer, I tore the card scanner off the wall of my dorm, and I passed out on our bathroom counter with my head in the sink.
Please tell me there isn't another video of me on the toilet...
Because I'm sitting in a bath of my own wisdom and drowning my sorrows in coconut rum
In other news, I just sneezed and almost shit myself. What is happening to my life??
...Just hit my fuck buddy with my car.
Wanna buy a dildo with me during your lunch break tomorrow?
You wanna explain to me why there is a banana shoved down my pants?
If the multiverse is real, would you screw yourself? I'd screw myself.
Randomize
