They should really pass out barf bags in church
please quote me on this- the only thing worse than being ugly is being ugly and thinking that you're pretty
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
he said he would handcuff me to his penis. thats not even possible. i want to go home.
Hey you remember last Super Bowl when I sent you a pic of my testicles? Memories...
I just want to like fall into a pit of hot wings beside a keg of yingling and eat my way to freedom
I'm seeing double so when I get home can we have a threesome?
I also woke up on my floor. Naked. On a pile of clothes. With my head in the trash can. And a sheet over me.
When was the last time you wore pants?
Time is relative.
And pants are optional.
Gays age differently than straights. 29 is like 45 in gay years. Next year I'll be in adult diapers and applying for medicaid.
My liver is preforming stress tests.
Bottom line; if I'm coming out of my bat cave to do the dishes and get a chicken wing and I have no pants or makeup on and my messy bun looks more like Santa got leprosy and crashed his sled into the back of my head then let me be. That's all I'm saying.
If he thinks I'm canceling my orgy to coddle his stupid fucking behavior, he has another thing coming
Haha i really think theres no better way to tell a paramedic sorry for breaking your nose than a beautiful and healthy edible arrangement...
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
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