So I just went home and made my own spanx by cutting the legs off of a pair of nylons. I'm either a genius or missed my calling to live in a trailer park.
Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
I find it ironic that homeless people are so good in bed
i've come to the conclusion that there is no classy way to apply chloroseptic spray to your butthole.
True Life: I puke at bars and try to catch it in my hand...then walk away like it didn't happen
my ass has officially been on the floor of every fraternity on this campus
and who said we didn't have goals?
Nothing says true friendship like 2 people bonding over potentially having AIDS.
successfully started a charcoal grill with 2 shots of everclear and some aluminum foil. i never wanna leave here
Im so tired of dysfunctional exs fucking up my relationships with future dysfunctional exs
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
Do you remember some guy walking around the club saying "boner patrol" and smacking people in the dick?
Yeah, that was you
URGENT INPUT I'm at a renesance fair after party and I'm 100% lined up to fuck their sword swallower OR their contortionist. Dont say both - which direction doth I roll?
He was imitating a sprinkler when he started puking. Hence- vomit sprinkler. Some people just can't handle their tequila
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
When was the last time you got laid?
When was the last time you came home sober?
touche
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