this morning i woke up with my panties on and i knew where i was. success.
i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
not only did i climb through the window at 4 am but here i am 4 hours later for my interview at the mall and i'm staring in the dark pet store barking at puppies
Do you think unemployment will give me a christmas bonus?
You decided to make a porno with gummy bears and things went downhill from there.
Life's too short to consider the larger psychological underpinnings of my lust.
the towel caught on fire outside the hottub but we were all too stoned to care
you know it's time to start studying when you've procrastinated to the point where you're reading your roommate's ex-boyfriend's wall posts from 2006.
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
When you put it that way it sounds like my vagina is a parking garage to be monitored by security guards
Actually, what with the curvature of the Earth, it's faster to leave from Washington. And Google maps recommends kayaking instead of swimming.
I appear to have wine on my toes. I am really not clear as to how this happened. I'm gonna have a little lie down.
I've never had sex with me but I assume there are worse ways to be woken up.
I'm determining which apartments I'm mostly to move into based on how suitable the kitchens are for sex .
Randomize
