This dress was meant to end up on your floor
Let's perk you up. I have a good PG joke and a picture of my penis while urinating. You pick.
She is my favorite of all the girls you have fucked. Other than me.
They were going around the house breaking things and screaming "Not my house!"
hey, sorry about all the butter. I thought it was gonna help.
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
I drink to make the karaoke go away.
I think my body is literally trying to get me to reproduce. "fuck someone! Anyone!" - my body
Also, I just realized you seduced me while in a batman onesie... Well done, sir. Well done.
wait did i hook up with someone in mcdonalds last night?
Apparently I called him, said "vodka" and then hung up on him.
party tonight. bring as many traffic cones as you can find. we need to section off the blackout drunks way better this time
So apparently having sex with your co-worker in the bathroom at the staff party can get you fired.
I just choked eating whip cream from the can, and peed a little because I was coughing so hard. How am I still single.
I got a free corona t-shirt and all I had to do was drink a beer. This needs to be a more widely accepted form of currency.
Randomize
