You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
i came out of my blackout when my grandma called last night. it kinda sobered me up and i realized who i had been making out with. should i call and thank her for the defensive cockblock?
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
he gave me a new purse full of weed and five boxes of samoas for my birthday. best boyfriend ever.
Me. blonde. Sex. Dance floor.
Either I'm tripping balls or my dog has super powers.
BTW, you ever shave a dick into my dog, I'll cut you. I'll laugh first, but then I'll cut you
So you are wearing a heart monitor while drinking?
Yea, they said carry on with my everyday activity.
I hope dressing like a sexy, but very grown up and intelligent, secretary while out shopping helps disguise how high I am right now.
Maybe because you rubbed my clit while we were making churros
One three hour marathon fuck session and now she's divorcing her husband. Should I get business cards made?
I'm texting you know although you won't get this until you wake up. the only reason you are strapped to your bed is because you were trying to fly out your window.
I’ve officially bought the ticket for my future dick appointment 😂
Right after i got done cumming i sat back and gave a big Ric Flair "WOOOOOO!"
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
Randomize
