i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
you're kinda like the weird girl from The Breakfast Club after the makeover. i mean you're pretty, but you're still weird as fuck
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
Also...you were trying to touch his balls without him noticing
I told my dad that bagels were the equilelent of angels kisses and if he bought me one i would do a split
You kept making that girl eat peanuts, saying they were good for her baby..... I don't think she pregnant
So, your gf couldn't walk up the stairs without your help, but she could knit you a scarf?
I think the fact that the scarf was made out of dental floss should be taken into account.
There is a girl in my drunk limo who hasn't seen an uncircumcised penis. Hook me up with a picture.
Remember when I peed in the trash can in the ATM room last night?
Never thought I'd say this, but thank god for my blackouts.
He asked me not to hook up with anyone else because it would hurt his feelings.. while his arm was around his pregnant girlfriend.
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
I'm listening to Michael Jackson while drinking vodka, alone. Honestly, l wish I could Moonwalk my way back to when I knew wtf was going on in my life.
My date ended with her leaving the bar with that guy who used to jerk off in the back of the school bus.
You just missed an honest to god bukkake
I have had flashes of 69ing, a strawberry flavored condom and begging him to sleep naked.
Randomize
