I looked at my arm when I woke up..I guess after 8 tally marks I said fuck it and wrote "too much"
i have a $600 bill for my ER visit in which they did nothing but suggest to me that i am an alcoholic.
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
Fuck. The basement bathroom I've been getting head in for 6 months just went 'Out of Service'.
I figured you left because I was a shit show. Were you still there when I got locked in the bathroom and didn't know where I was? If not, that could have been a dream. I'm still not sure.
I wish my head, heart, dick, and nose could just agree on something for once
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment
He was rocking just a diaper, shoes, and a gun. Sadly, I would still hit it.
Random Survey Question: If things start getting serious with this cop, do I have to stop doing coke?
Been awake for 50 some odd hours. I've discovered I can spew out maaaad papers whilst coked out of my face. My roommates probably think I'm dead. Money well spent. You?
Bro i pulled the fucking willy wonkas gold ticket of ratchets the other night this chick was a real treat god bless her
Your cousin just directly asked you for nudes
Between the deep breathing and nipple piercings , I thought I was in the twilight zone
You think my vibrator will be okay in the dishwasher?
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