I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
airport. 106 proof japanese liquor. 4 little travel size containers. im proud to be smarter than the average american.
I'll start choreographing the sperm rain dance now
You were air-planing a joint into my mouth while I was crying naked in the bath tub.
Best Friends For Life.
I think we should have realized the night was going to be nuts when it started with a bum dying in front of my house.
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
Bro, did you watch that scooby doo porn I sent to you?
Cockoligist
Yes, one may refer to me as that.
I should make business cards.
2 reasons we need to wear those onesies to the bar more ofter 1) comfy as shit 2) we both still got laid\n\nHow can you resist that kinda night?
Apparently when it was last call I jumped up on the bar and told everyone to get the fuck out, which was immediately followed by a round of applause from the bouncers/bartenders and my tab getting paid as well.
The port-o-potty that I peed in last night didn't actually have a toilet in it. And i never told anyone until this moment.
He made me watch a sex tape him and his gf made. They were in the shower when her roommate walked in on them. Not kidding: she asked to join in.
I hate him. He gets laid, my dick gets laughed at.
Why is there never any toilet paper at his apartment? What does he wipe his ass with? WHAT DOES HE WIPE IT WITH?!?
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
Hey do you remember me?
You were the giant banana I had sex with... how could i forget?
Randomize
