The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
driving around with you guys listening to the beach boys made me very concious of how white you all are.
Umm I need a rain check. Long story short is I have scabies. Research it if you want. I'll tell you everything another time soon, I promise.
I put the extra pregnancy test in my sex toys box as a reminder that my actions have consequences.
she crawled under her car and passed out. Unfortunately her feet were sticking out and someone called 911 because they thought she had been run over.
I tried to convince the Lobo Card people to take my pic with my sunglasses on because I will probably always be this hungover.
i just want to attach a dildo to the ceiling and ride it like a gay spiderman.
What?! Why else would they put table cloths on a table if not for discreet oral sex? That's why they were invented! Read a book...
Just specific performance'd my way into her pants. I literally said specific performance and that shit worked. Thanks B. Law!
The night before doing drugs with your bro is like Christmas Eve that made love to thanksgiving that made love a virgin.
In all fairness that 65 year old man looked 23 in club lighting so you can fuck right off
I love that there are toys on the counter. Coffee, tea, wine bottles, gag ball, and handcuffs.
My kitchen gets me.
My body hates me. Pretty sure I drank 3 pitches full of coffee last night and took two adderal. I slept and ran a marathon at the same time. You should see my bed.
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
there's no judgement here...i was recently just fingered in my dorm hallway while having a conversation with 5 people.
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