don't you miss freshman year when you could get away with "but i've never given a bj before..."
it's like i need an invisible sign across my boobs that says "DOESN'T HAVE DADDY ISSUES" that only old men can see
Heads up. We filled your kiddie pool with kool-aid and vodka. Things are about to get Out. Of. Hand. Quickly.
I think the taxi driver just requested me on facebook..... his name was george right?
i drank out of my shoe...were you seriously expecting me to be the voice of reason?
3 things. 1. is this real life 2. my liver hates me 3. keg race tonight
I don't want to hear about you making out with a high schooler. I just had the best sex of my life. My face and arms went numb in the middle of it.
Just traded the drive-through guy at BK a Dos Equis for a Hershey pie before noon... win?
He asked us to wake him up with a strobe light. We had it going in front of his face full power for half and hour and he didn't even blink.
New Halloween costume idea: Frankenstorm. We have three hours. Make it work.
He was dressed up as Jesus and had vodka in one hand while he was blessing everyone and splashing them with holy water in the bathroom.
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
He congratulated me by offering up free orgasms.. I told him I also had a birthday last month we needed to celebrate.. He was there in ten minutes.
I appreciate your acceptance of my lack of morals
Randomize
