I wont touch it. I promise i wont touch it. JUST GET UNDER THE DAMN TABLE PLEASE.
i knew she was high when she broke up the cookies into her glass of milk and ate it like cereal
I wish sober me loved running as much as drunk me...
i wish i could tell you the night didnt begin with me drinking alone
someone lit off fireworks while I puked in the street. I was like congratulating me for making it through homecoming.
I definitely recall eating shredded cheese out of the bag while you were wearing that apron.
My mouth holds just enough water for my bong
Trying to figure out which chair my head was under last night
So I just had breakfast and then sex in a parking garage before he went to school and thus I am loving my life
Drunk wound on my leg hast healed and neither has my dignity
I'm so horny right now but I JUST put my fuckin lasagna in the oven
Wait is this place where the strippers are missing teeth and I think one is missing a thumb? Though I don't know how she would maneuver on the pole without a thumb. Pls advise.
I was so drunk, he put me to bed and went down stairs to hang out with his friends. Apparently, I was curled up in the closet, spooning the dresser when he came back up.
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
Someone needs to get Mark off the roof. I told you that he doesn’t shut up about ancient Egypt if you give him henny.
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