Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
He keeps apologizing for not being able to get hard when he's drunk. We havent even left the club yet.
$3 wine plus diet sprite does not make good champagne.
does taste better than andre tho
Why does Thanksgiving make hot girls feel disgusting and fat girls feel horny? Its killing my prospects.
I'd suck anything for a pizza right now
I'm not so good at organized events that don't revolve around whiskey or playgrounds.
I woke up surrounded by goldfish. Thank God my laptop was here too. Now I don't have to leave my bed all day.
dude, no lie, I would make out with you in front of them wearing nothing but a rainbow colored speedo
Have you ever come so hard that right after you have the urge to yell "make me a sandwich!"? ...I think my ovaries turned into testicles.
It's like I'm getting a welcome home parade with sex!
I'm pretty happy on the couch eating Popeyes and watching Cops so if I go over there you better have drugs left
My mom just woke me up with a cowboy hat and sunglasses on. It's 7 am and she's drunk.
The next morning I found her spread eagle asleep on the living room floor and he was asleep with his head in her crotch. I needed a ride and had to wake them up.
As long as it's before midnight it's cool. But it would be understandable to ring in my new year shitting myself just before I go to Iraq.
Randomize
