I just spent twenty minutes with brandons dad explaining why head isnt typically considered sex...can we say awkward?
i'm sorry, i thought "hey, she wants TO FUCK YOU" was a good enough cue
You spend 45 minutes trying to convince that pregnant girl you were with all night to have sex with you cause 'the worst had already happened.'
First lesson of the year: don't close the bar on mondays
luckily my workout playlist doubles as a masturbation playlist.
I will not fill you in on the details until we get back, so do not ask. I got peed on by the girl I was hooking up with last night.
Remember last time I drank with my mom? I asked if I got my dick sucking abilities from her.
Sorry about coming to the pool in only a thong. I thought you said it was closed. Not that you were teaching a group of kids how to swim.
For Halloween this year I'm going to paint myself in gold, wear a golden toga and sash saying " cunt goddess"
But you put your finger in my ass and the rest is history
You spent the whole night conversing with your zombie poster, so I'd say you were pretty far gone.
The dude we met that gave us weed sent me a video of his balls covering the sun like a solar eclipse
Something like, "Merry Christmas. I hope Santa shits in your mouth."?
Ok fell asleep on a bus in south Carolina just woke up in Canada where the hell is the liquor store from here?!
the girl who hid my weed when the cops came has a birthday coming up. i feel like i should get her something.
Randomize
