there was a 40 knocked over. chips and salsa all over the floor. and she was in her thong doing boot camp on demand in the middle of the room..
Even my Russian and Serbian roommates think I drink to much.
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
When I was with you my penis felt like a fat woman crammed into a pair of lulu lemons
Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining.
He burnt his arm on the grill, then turned around and started blaming it on the burger buns...I think it's safe to say he's drunk.
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
I almost drank vegetable oil. Where were you? I needed you.
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
you missed 2am bagpipes and my roommate looking hot as fuck in a kilt
His favorite stripper is going to jail. He's taking it pretty hard
I love you but this is the first Saturday I have ever spent at the police station. And where are my boxers?
There might be a dead possum in your bed, your roomate is extremely distressed!
DO NOT PREHEAT THE OVEN THIS MORNING! WE STARTED USING IT AS A WINE STASH AROUND MIDNIGHT.
Seriously if we go to rome ur fucking me into the sunset on a wrought iron balcony overlooking Vatican City
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