Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
How do you wash franks red hot sauce, whip cream, grapejuice and shame out of silk?
I would just throw it away. You cant just wash out shame, it has to soak for like a month.
A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
I know and I love you for your valets putting your thong on your seat
I THINK I JUST JOINED A GANG. PLEASE PICK ME UP.
I've got mace and a condom. Ready to roll either way and keeping my pimp hand strong.
Apparently "dick me" was not the response he was looking for.
This may have to wait till tomorrow. I smoked so my back wouldn't hurt and I overshot relaxed by like 4 hits casually
Really? A fat girl?
I'm walking her back. Chill out.
She is a nice girl okay. For some reason we are in my room though.
Things that happen while I poop: I start dating someone
I gave her the last ten dollars to my name and bitch comes back with a six pack of bud light and a pack of sour patch kids
Profesor just winked at me. This class might be easier than I thought
It was some weird herd predator-evasion instinct. All 15 of us took off running in different directions, and the two cops just stood there, perplexed. They had no idea who to chase.
I think it stinks she’s cheating on him. My vagina on the other hand is tingly thinking about a summer of sexual healing
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