Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
She made me add her as a friend on fb before she got into my bed... I sense a stalker
The parties out here are fucking awesome and I've got the grades to prove it.
it was like a zeppelin in a condom
im downtown. alone. lost. drunk. dressed as santa. dont find me. i just heard someone say mechanical bull.
Bitches at mcdonalds acting like they never seen a girl puke in her own coat pocket before
I'm sitting next to some random guy in a gorilla suit drinking out of a bottle of vodka.
He's majoring in Religion
Had to. She was getting married in 2 days & her vag was having a close out sale. You know I love a good bargain.
I want to take my head off and cuddle with it
Maybe it will forgive me and stop being an asshole
The guy at the Apple store said the warranty does NOT cover getting cum out of the keyboard. I can't believe I believed you.
I'm watching a man in drag spread food products on his face my life is spiraling out of control.
I LOVE YOU NO MATTER HOW MANY BALLS YOUVE SUCKED
I AM HANGING OUT WITH ADORABLE DOGS SURROUNDED BY NATURE. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND ALSO BYE CIVILIZATION AND PANTS.
Are you at a park?
World Cup Drinking Game: Take a shot every time they call a foul for something we don't understand. Gotta risk it to get the biscuit.
I can't believe he's mad at you for not remembering your fake anniversary.
Randomize
