I don't remember her name, but I do remember yelling at her from the balcony of the hotel room during her walk of shame.
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
this blows. i told the guy at the bar that i was the DD and it was like i just announced over megaphone that i had genital herpes. no one will talk to me now.
He doesn't need to speak English. He needs to speak sex.
Watching porn with a bag of marshmallows. Thats when you know you're stoned.
How much is that going to cost?
A lot of beer.
Safe to say I relapsed into my old chatroulette drunk flashing days.
There is a guy in class using a wine bottle as a water bottle. Welcome to the Faculty of Environment.
HE FINALLY TEXT ME AND CALLED ME BY MY TWITTER NAME STAND BY FOR THE WEDDING INVITE, BRIDESMAID
A huge penis doesn't warm the soul. Or that's what I've had to tell myself.
But how MUCH of an emergency? Like, should I go to the ER now, or can it wait until after the bar crawl?
I pretty much just wake up, masturbate at least twice, and go to the beach. #Unemployed. I do look for jobs in between all that tho.
Who the fuck stole my fridge again
I bet your mom's never met a girl who's thrown up at the presidential inauguration before though.
Literally been in their house 5 minutes and I've projectile vomited all over the bathroom wall. The dog licked it up though so I think it's cool.
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