I GOT EATEN OUT IN A MERCEDES ON A TUESDAY NIGHT. I EARNED THIS SHIT.
I cant believe Lindsay Lohan feels like this every day
Just thought you should know that your brother tried to febreeze his floors with cooking spray last night.
Ugh he's texting me.
Tell him you're no longer interested in what he has to offer; his shitty personality outweighs his sexual prowess.
ok is that genuinely the first four bars of mozart's symphony #40 sharpied onto my arm or
was I really that bad?
you army crawled across the kitchen floor, turned the cat into "super kitty" and crawled into the dog cage
The inflatable penis from those pics was mine... We broke him that night
I have a gay crossdressing neighbor that's dresses up as a slutty pirate. 6 beers from now I would have hit on him. I hate halloween.
I partied with 2 slutty ninja turtles from Sweden last night, I Love Halloween.
i love it when bitches who pick on you in high school get fat. thank you facebook you have made my day.
I'm so high. I'm going to need directions to get home.
She thinks you guys are the gods of the bathroom. If she runs past you naked, give me a heads up
I never truly understood the phrase ball is life until I started having to balance NBA finals and all these men with balls i'd like to handle.
You can't just drop that I might be walking into a foursome and leave it at that
Do you lock your house? Serious question, I need to know if I can add it to my list of emergency poop stops
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
Randomize
