the party we crashed was not a party. the party we crashed was jens grandads funeral.
We should never set our expectations higher than pizza bagels cause then our night is bound to get better
Yelling drunk tank or bust at a cop, not a good idea
Let's just go topless and paint glitter over our nipples who the fuck cares
I have acquired 14 pictures of hard dicks tonight... I was on a mission. Don't even pretend you aren't proud.
I told him if I was pregnant we were coming out to the people at work, because I'm not pretending to get knocked up by an imaginary boyfriend.
He woke me up at 3 am, turned me on, then changed his mind. There is no way he is getting out of twilight now.
My taste buds are fucked up, everything tastes like fire after last night.
In the middle of our bar crawl last night we stopped to pet dogs at a dog park. who would let a drunk person bet play with their dog???
My only regret this past weekend is abusing only 3 substances when I could have done so much more.
& I just realized there is no vomit smiley. There needs to be a vomit smiley
Walking into my bedroom & smelling stale sex & disappointment isn't how I envisioned being 39, in case you were wondering.
It's best not to have your booty call on social media. So if they post stupid shit, you still want to fuck them.
He told me that he had never gotten a blow job. I sat there for a second, then thought "I MUST FIX THIS!" It was fucking fantastic.
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
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