This random guy asked me if I had downs. I was like up yours! And I got out of his car.
Is it bad that Pitbull has taught me more Spanish than high school did?
I think I just agreed to be an escort for an Asian guy who's gonna be in the city next weekend before he moves back to Shanghai...
and being hungover still at 4 in the afternoon is NOT "having allergies"
Plans for halloween need to outrank Caesar, Cleopatra and Mark Antony's threesome...just saying
all time personal low: room service guy going "You want french fries AND onion rings???"
Long story short he broke into a preschool and threw all their cones into a tree.
I knew you were blacked out when you started refusing beer.
I found a picture of me as a little kid with nothing on except a towel covering one of my nipples and I'm glaring at the camera. Literally nothing has changed except I have boobs now
But I did spend part of my morning scrubbing your cum off my grandmothers piano.
Oh hell no my vagina is on that screenshot
Hey, how are you?
No. You're dead to me, you hamster stealing slutbag.
I smell like playdoh, sex, and ruined lives. I love the weekend
So why exactly are your shoes in my freezer?
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
Randomize
