i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
I considered driving home in his mom's bathrobe until i realized i'd have to stop to buy cigarettes
it was so cute when you were pretending to have willpower
Prostitute standing on the corner thrusting at cars as they drive by. New marketing strategy?
Hes pre-made beer lollipops so he "can suck before the sex" QUOTE!
Directions to your booty call: go down the part of Route 66 that has all the car dealerships, motels and bad decisions, go past the Christian college and turn left at the Children's Center.
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
Well that's what you get for messing around with her vagina. I told you it was a fickle and insatiable creature.
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
I took a pregnancy test at Pancheros a bit ago.
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
Ate 3 ghost peppers and chased them with Everclear last night. Currently on the toilet cursing the universe and everyone in it.
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
Just got invited to a tree party by some random chicks. They're literally just sitting up in a tree with a handle of rum and a box of goldfish crackers and yelled at me as I was walking by...
For some reason drunk me always leaves sober me a banana in the morning.
Randomize
