They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
why do married chicks ALWAYS cry after?
thanks for not screaming that I'm pregnant when that guy was giving me his number.
my life is in even more shambles than last time, mcdonalds is closed
Dudeeeee, i ordered strippers for my party.
I ordered a moonbounce.
Fuck, you win.
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
I woke up in your car in the McDonalds parking lot. What the hell happened to 'no man left behind'?
on a scale of 1 to 'no sex' how busy are you this week?
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
FRIENDS DON'T LET FRIENDS WASTE THE LAST ADDERALL.
I started singing I believe I can fly in the shower and it was like the first stage of insanity
I walked in on him jerking it to videos of UFC fighters. The most awkward part: he didn't stop when I walked in.
Of course I'm watching space shows while stoned on the science channel. Why would I want to learn while not baked out of my skull?
Judging from the sharpie on my face, glitter on my chest and women's tiger print panties i'm wearing last night was a thing.
Randomize
