Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
im gonna put my furry chinchilla vagina on her mother effing nose
I'll be honest with you, my dick was out at that point in time.
i just found this napkin with your number on it in my jacket pocket. it reads amy, drawing of a wine bottle and a house
It was dark, she woke me up, gave me a blowjob and then whispered in my ear: do you know who I am?
He filled four shots of Everclear and walked around saying "FREE VODKA SHOTS". he is to blame.
I started scrolling back in our texts looking for context and a picture of your dick rose like the Great Pumpkin in the middle of my screen.
Her one night stand followed us to mass. This is too funny for real life.
I'm on my way back with the wine... And a puppy. It was free.
WHY ARE THERE SO MANY BURPS IN MY SMALL, INCREDIBLY ATTRACTIVE BODY
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
SO DRUNK
PUKED IN DRIVEWAY
TELL PARENTS SORRY
I need to stop agreeing to hang out with people when I'm drunk.
I got so drunk that I peed my bed...and all over him. The ironic thing is that he slept in his swimming trunks.
Just for future reference. Do not do zumba while stoned out of your mind.
Randomize
