Aren't I supposed to sit on your face?
The more my room-mate speaks, the more I notice that she was home schooled.
I'm beginning to think I'm sterile because I definitely should be pregnant by now.
they named it eva bongoria. i had to hit it based on the name alone.
I thought stuff was gonna go really bad after he filled the super-soaker with kerosene. but it all turned out pretty well.
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
Jesus horatio Christ I forgot my mittens and am considering shoving my hands down the pants of the first semi attractive man I see
You kept running up to married couples, taking their pictures and begging for them not to get divorced
25 likes of a picture on Instagram of my butthole. beat that.
We tried the hang n bang, remember? You ruined it by crying and telling me you loved me while blowing me.
Thats not real though. Slash there are other extenuating circumstances to lead me to believe dick is wanted
HOLY FUCK I SPELLED EXTENUATING RIGHT ON THE FIRST TRY. IM THE BEST DRUNK NA
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
STOP HOOKING UP WITH SOCCER MOMS! YOU ARE RUINING MY REPUTATION!
Going to the pool bar doesn’t exactly count as “exploring”
Next time we do shrooms i am finding an open field at sunrise and running through it and nobody is stopping me this time!
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