if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
you kept lying down on the floor at the bar just to prove you could get back up
She said "Lay the fuck down and ill show you how its done. Ill get us both off." I did. And she did. Best words ever said before sex.
I need to keep friends like you around just in case hell grades on a curve.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I don't care what you say, cheap wine does NOT taste better in expensive crystal...
So my retainer doesn't fit, so i'm getting drunk so i can put it back in. Alone.
You would...
The prescription for my birth control just blew away in the wind on my way back from the health center. It's like god wants me to get pregnant
I've only been home four days and my parents' cleaning lady already wrote down the number to AA and told me she's praying for me.
Get dressed, I have 50$ and you need a new beer pong table since we threw yours off the 8th floor last night.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
It would be awesome if I knew whose teeth these were in my pocket
We need to leave a grand offering for the god of free booze and salvia.
How high were you when you left that message, cause you made honest-to-God, credible seal noises.
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
No, I'm not a heathen. You two are the heathens, I'm the whore.
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