I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
Last day of classes. 1st day attending every class. I'm proud of myself
I am totally the chick from Intervention who barfs up wine and then re-eats it.
There will be two dogs there to provide supervision. Not to worry.
The bloodstain in the garden looks like a sad face. Like I don't already know this is bad...
good news: I made it out of bed and into shower. Bad news: I made it back to bed without clothes. Worse news: I don't know this bed.
Some old truck driver just made me smell his beard I hope tonight turns out better
He pulled a condom out of his satchel and i questioned my entire life.
I clipped one of my extensions in his hair to give him a rat tail. What is my life?
Ew. He is mine. We all know that if he has a mid-life crisis and decides to sleep with a student, I AM THAT STUDENT. She's not friends with him on FB. Reassuring.
How much weight does it take to launch a cat using a trebuchet vs the tension required for a catapult?
I don't know man. I fell outside Pizza Hut and an employee had to perform first aid. But I think I got free pizza. So it was worth it.
I keep worrying the police are going to come looking for us.
For which one? Starting a fire on my porch or having sex on my porch?
he was peeing off the deck shouting "urinals are for pussies" that's how much hurricane.
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
Randomize
