Does my surprise involve the use of a safe word?
Probably.
I'm in.
i just realized that im half way to my goal of puking in every single toilet on our floor
I do remember getting hit in the face by an ugly one because she thought I was blowing on her butthole.
New rule : you aren't allowed anything . Ever .
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
Weirdly I'm doing ok, but I've tested positive for chlamydia, I wanted to let you know
I woke up with her dog licking the wedding cake out of my ear and her sister finishing our Jaeger
I got laughed at by a homeless guy in a Daniel Boone hat. I have no clue what this means for my day
It's raining beautiful colors and I don't know what the fuck is going on
also I can check "jump into a moving car" off my bucket list if that tells you how tonight is going
but dude how did I get so drunk?
Pretty sure it happened right after you poured a shot of Wild Turkey into your Budweiser, chugged it, and screamed "I. NEVER. BACK. DOWN!"
Ugh. My life is a never ending cycle of bad decisions and taquitos.
I feel kind of like we’re in a gang and tonight is one of those “people are gonna know not to fuck with us” type of nights. And then tomorrow I am going to learn to pole dance. I’m not really sure how I got to this point in my life… but I like it.
Forget work, lets run away, rob banks, and have kinky sex with fuzzy handcuffs.
IT'S LIKE YOU READ MY MIND.
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
Randomize
