Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
I need to stop making out with boys in plain view of half my class.
He looked like Harry Potter. I had to do it.
Said he had been eating pineapple for a week before our 1st date. Not sure if thankful for his consideration or offended by his assumption.
Post-sex chicken soup was such a good idea. It's been like an hour and I'm still applauding myself
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
omg i hate the new neighbors. why cant a bitch just be hungover in peace on a wednesday morning.
THIS TIME TOMORROW MY VAG IS GONNA BE BRAND SPANKING NEW.
There's a website where you can order a pile of horse shit to be dropped on a persons doorstep. So that's another option.
I may or may not have just let Ash Ketchum capture my wild Pikachu in a parking lot.
I've got your keys and your panties. You can have one back. Your play honeybuns.
Do you think there are other mothers looking at porn in the carpool line?
Go forth my friend, but don't do any of that fruitful and multiplying shit.
I mean, I'm not upset that HE's getting married, I'm upset his penis has to go through with it by default
Remember when you gave their 80 year old doorman a line of molly at 5am?
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
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