proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
3rd rule of buttsex she must be clean and shower recently
and skipped dinner
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
My walk of shame got a new perspective when I walked into his livingroom and found his roommate fucking some chick on the coffee table.
I have to be home in time to watch my friend on that Lifetime show about having babies. And by friend, I mean the girl I had a lesbian experience with at a party 3 years ago.
apparently dick flashing is a frowned upon sport here..... sorry girlfriends mom
I'm being fed tequila grapes by a girl on stilts...
I don't give a damn about what he wants to do with his life. Personalities are for pussies.
My mouth tastes like what I imagine a hobo's skin would taste like.
I don't know what song to play at my bong's funeral!
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
He told me that when he bends me over that chair I remind him of a bull rider. So thanks for being the ex that helps my present sex life
I think putting on real pants was half my issue with today
when i saw him today i think my vagina did the equivalent of a stomach growl... its been to long
I'm the only person I know that carries solo cups, shot glasses, ping pong balls, two decks of cards, and a lawn chair in his trunk. I'm ready to turn anything, anywhere into a party.
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