would you ever date a girl who drove an 89 Chrysler LeBaron? - for the record it's a convertable
we saw you sitting at the door of the dorm trashed, wrapped in DANGER tape with a stolen balloon around your wrist
maybe you should start leaving anonymous bottles of booze on his doorstep with love notes attatched. that always gets me.
i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
You broke out your mechano set and told us you were gonna "build us a beer machine" and 5 min later you were fast asleep
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
You told me to ditch them in the park, and when she jumped onto the car to stop us, you told me to scrape her off against a parked Jeep. That drunk.
Moments after comforting her about her boyfriend issues I found myself in the other room showing him my tits.
as he was fingering me, all I was thinking about was how lucky his girlfriend is...
Just wanted to let you know it's 3am and, at this point, I believe your sister has more of my semen in her than I do. So suck on that, fuckface.
AND I JUST BURNT MY BACON. WTF MONDAY. SCREW YOU TOO
My life is literally "I'm too horny you can't leave" or "let's have pie" there's like no inbetween
Soooo you know how I said I was trying to be a rational adult? Well that led to me fucking a rational adult today.
My mom just asked me about the teeth marks on my headboard..
Matched with the lumberjack. Here's your wedding invite.
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