If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
it's like god just wants me to be high for five days in a row. keep the blizzards coming.
While in Europe, he bought me a pouring tap to put on my liquor so I don't spill. This means 2 things.1) He really loves me. 2) I'm a noticeable alcoholic.
i am pretty sure she ate my hamster last night. i am thinking this because she left me a note that says she ate my hamster and my hamster is no longer in its hamster cage.
I never thought I would say this but I have to clean queso off my vibrator
Would you be offended if I asked you to smoke a blunt with me while I pooped?
I was about to smoke a bunch of weed and lay naked while I cried all day
You grinded on me in Jimmy johns to a madonna song.
see these eyes, they just want to bone and go to sleep.
Come in your red robin gear. If you smell like French fries we can make love.
Omg one of the midgets from last night just added me to Facebook.
My boobs are literally freaking out because I've been wearing a bra for more than three hours....I need to go out more...
We didn't have a place to have sex. So we timed the automatic car wash & spent $9 for 3 minutes and 45 secs of car sex.
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
Randomize
