Pretending to care to care about playoffs in exchange for free shots. I'm sorry in advance.
Just waterfalled in the movie theatre... this is the beginning to a good night
I was so high that i was talking shit about a girl I was with via text, and I handed the phone to her so she could type the shit I was trying to say.
yeah, that's what i said too. right before i tackled that street sign.
Can an epipen be used as a tranquilizer ?
I tried to lock you in the bathroom stall because you were too drunk. But you escaped from underneath, I gave up
I hope it's socially acceptable to wear a mesh one piece into last call tonight?
you kept saying "i will not *breathe* regret this *breathe* in the morning *breathe* i just gotta remember *breathe* to BREATHE"
Don't blame me. I told you I didn't know if I had a key to those hancuffs.
he fucked me with his goalie mask on. it was like sleeping with Darth Vader
I heard them banging and it sounded like he was trying to stuff a fucking coconut into her
Operation terrify all men while simultaneously make them fall in love with me is going quite swimmingly so far
only I would find a long lost relative through a craigslist casual encounters ad
I want a dick in my left hand and a Crunch Wrap Supreme in my right hand.
these past three weeks have been a real "fuck you" to my liver
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