I really need to learn how to handle sexual advances from older women
I wish I had your problem
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
I AM THE KING OF THE FRESHMEN
how did i know this would happen?
i cant answer while inside this church craft show. so unless you're outside with my engagement ring and a nonfat gingerbread latte, it'll have to wait.
She just hopped out of the car at a red light to pet the baby Jesus in the nativity scene.
Not worth it.
Male strippers are involved. You are coming
You threw my heel at her from across the street... And hit her in the back of the head so hard she face planted into the street. I need more friends like you.
This is the first time I'm hearing this information.
I hate him. I fucked every one of his friends AND his fat brother and he still won't break up with me.
I imagine my service panda will provide sufficient protection. At the very least it will be an irresistible cuddly distraction while I make good my escape.
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "
I want you to know that the guy who peed in your bed got fat.
after stripping the bed and soaking it with the "pet spot remover" I have, I decided in the best interest of my mattress and our drunk friends bladders, i should invest in rubber sheets.
If I wasn't planning on spend the rest of my life with you I wouldn't send you so many nudes, so fucking appreciate it
I can't wait to see you & have espresso-fueled sex
Randomize
