i just watched kanye west and taylor swift have a chugging contest. why cant halloween be every day
It was so delicious I was introducing it to people. Guy from my psych class was like "This is my girlfriend, Erica," and I was like, "This is my milkshake, Oreo."
You found Muppets From Space a little too intense, so you just sorta sat on the ground and stared at the wall plug for an hour and a half.
you handled that situation with as much grace as someone puking involuntarily could
I think he thought he was a gentleman because he bought me the most expensive plan b at cvs
Well I blew a guy I barely know in full view of a homeless camp. That's pretty tame for me.
When you finally get laid, I shall make you a trophy out of dildos
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
His buddy came running in the room after we had sex, and started "sponging" the sweat off my forehead with his sport wristband.
mom how many of the songs from my childhood are mexican drinking songs?
all of them.
You set fire to his cat.
In my defense, I did not think it would be in the trash bag.
Just a reminder- you dropped broccoli in my car and then felt bad for it and named him Henry
I know. I miss henry.
No, I'm not a heathen. You two are the heathens, I'm the whore.
he's annoying when i'm sober but vaguely hot when i'm drunk so yes i do have a preference and it goes by the name of vodka
I can't believe I slept with a girl who has the words shucks in her vocabulary. I'm getting less picky by the day..
Randomize
