I just cut my nipple shaving
My Higher Power is John Stamos
She looked kinda like Mario Batali?
And then out of the blue she sent me a youtube video mashup of cats puking to techno music
Congrats on having the best tasting nipple at the bar last night.
i love him because he let me keep my UGGS on while we had sex
Boats looked like robot pelicans and time was slow and now im on wipe out
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
Guess who just made out with Sloth from The Goonies!
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
I'm eating shredded cheese and chugging coke, until I can function again. I'm tingling everywhere
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
Alright I'd bang a 4 sober, It's been like 3-4 weeks or how ever long 4th of July was ago. I wanna fuck something.
4th of July was 12 days ago. The date is literally in the text you just sent.
I don't care about the dates I just wanna bone something.
All I remember is talking the cops into calling us a cab instead of giving us PIs while trying to wake up your passed-out-on-a-bench ass.
Tonight is an "I'm lonely and single so I'm going to curl up in a warm, melatonin and vodka enriched ball in the corner of my bed with a cat." kind of night.
Randomize
