I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
blah blah blah they called me an alcoholic because I threw my beer at a Jesus freak. it was for the best
Idk. I'm naked in front of the computer eating ribs. All is right with the world.
That's so nerdy and hot at the same time.
I feel like everyone would be happy with that as a present too. "Oh you got me pussy for Christmas?! How'd you know?!"
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
You want anything?
Gatorade and you naked.
I made the jerking off hand motion to my mother by accident this morning. It was awkward for everyone involved.
Yeah then she waddled like a duck in silence sat down and ate the entire paper towel roll.
legit question. can i put a condom down our garbage disposal? my rents are coming over in 20
I was just doing the math on how much beer we need for the houseboat. in doing so, I came to the conclusion that we need to open a beer distributor business.
And I'm determined to make an Eiffel Tower happen sometime. I just don't know who will take the pic (first world sex problem?)
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
Dad is celebrating turning 45 by being drunk in a department store before two o'clock.
What the fuck dude? Now it's a "who is this?" convo going back and forth. Like... helllloooo you just sent me a picture of your penis! I'm entitled to ask who the fuck it is. I can't verify an identity by a body part.
Randomize
