Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
I don't llike drinking between sober and blackout. Its boring.
so chris just stuck his hand between rachel's legs and yelled 'TROUT!' and we were like...you're wasted
he believed the zit on my nose was a piercing...until he tried to bite it. needless to say he didnt ask for my number
No stitches, just platelets and will power
You kept saying "sir officer" which would have been polite and helped you if it wasn't a female. She was pissed.
He said he forgot to take his shoes off, and that he was a bad boy because he was walking on the carpet. Then he sang. Then he shouted "I'M STILL FORGETTING."
Hu mahhiw im so tired.i just got done. In fo dleepu. Aaaaaaahh. I qisj my mom filmed me. In axtunf so funny
She just hopped out of the car at a red light to pet the baby Jesus in the nativity scene.
Not worth it.
Bartender just fed me brownie. Its going to be a good night
Then she said I give the best mouth hugs and bar went silent.
I just folded my boss's lingerie. I need a drink and a raise
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
Already doing pt exercises by picking my margarita up off the night stand. Fuck yeah.
So anyways, we returned the toilet paper and decided to use the money for taco bell and slurpees instead...
Randomize
