Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
I think my penis got bigger when i lost weight
When you come back do you think I could print anorexic pictures of Mary-Kate?
They said an hour before I even see a doctor...and they noticed the shots tally on my arm.
Apparently he crashed because 3 different girls were trying to give him road head at the same time.
I was only out of town for 1 week. His cell records show he texted 63 ex-gfs and hookups while I was gone. And 10 condoms are missing.
You chest bumped everyone we walked by on the way home... Even girls
If by "Are you high?" u mean "Did you just pass out at Genghis Grill walking to your table and falceplant?" the answer is yes.
We got hammered last night and I woke up this morning with texts from 'iron maiden chick.' wtf?
Girls at BYU need to learn how to handle a penis. I swear my date last night was trying to pull it off my body to use later.
I was riding him and in the middle he literally said "fuck yeah, Amy Winehouse"
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
Congrats. You made me have an orgasm in Starbucks.
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
Oh fuck, I'm officially a cougar..he's got the same name as my grandson
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